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Macho man

The greatest statesmen of the past three generations have failed miserably in trying to find a viable solution to the deadly, long-simmering Israeli-Palestinian dispute.

As the title character in “You Don’t Mess With the Zohan,” Adam Sandler takes care of that little problem in a couple of hours. How? Apparently, all you need is love — and a really large supply of hummus.

Zohan — sorry, “the” Zohan — is a supercounterterrorist commando in the Israeli army. Despite a thick beard and curly ’fro that give him an eerie resemblance to 1970s folkie Cat Stevens, the Zohan has the skills and machismo to make Stallone and Schwarzenegger slink away in shame like girlie-men.

Don’t believe it? Then watch the Zohan drop a live piranha down his bathing trunks and not even bat an eye.

Yet his status as an Israeli superhero leaves him empty. He’s tired of all the violence between his people and the Palestinians. In fact, his dream is to leave all that behind and become a hairdresser … yes, the Yiddish Paul Mitchell. (And if you have to ask why, then this is most definitely not your movie.)

His only way out is to fake his own death, which he does in a battle with his Palestinian arch-enemy, “The Phantom” (John Turturro, hamming it up and having a blast).

The Zohan then restyles his look, stows away on an airliner to New York, takes the name Scrappy Coco (after the two sheepdogs with whom he shares a crate in the plane’s underbelly) and soon finds work in a small hair salon owned by Dalia (Emmanuelle Chriqui), a cute Palestinian girl from whom he hides his true heritage, claiming he’s from Australia by way of Tibet.

In no time, he has the neighborhood matrons lining up around the block to have him trim their locks (and give them a little extra service in the back room afterward).

From there, the film steadily spins out of control in classic Sandler fashion, with a nonstop parade of sex jokes, zinger lines and sight gags (forget Hacky Sack — you haven’t really lived until you’ve seen Kitty Sack), all wrapped around and wedged between an outrageously eclectic parade of cameos.

The list includes Chris Rock, Lainie Kazan, Dave Matthews, Charlotte Rae, Kevin Nealon, John McEnroe, Kevin James, Paul Mitchell, Shelly Berman, Henry Winkler, George Takei and Mariah Carey.

Yes, that Mariah Carey.

Subplots abound — the budding romance between the Zohan and Dalia; the Zohan’s cover being blown by a Palestinian (Rob Schneider) whose goat he stole years before; and some corporate weasels (led by pro boxing’s Michael “Let’s Get Ready to Rumble” Buffer) who want to drive out the foreigners so they can build a mega-mall.

That’s at least one subplot too many; a little of the ol’ Sandler shtick goes a long way, and at two full hours, the film simply starts to wear out its welcome, like so many flicks seem bent on doing this year.

If Sandler had shaved 20 minutes and saved it for the DVD die-hards, I’d have given “Zohan” another half-star. As it stands, the final leg slips uncomfortably close to that comedy limbo where you chuckle because you know you’re supposed to more than because you really want to.

Still, the Zohan, with his endearing mix of battle-hardened virility and gentle vulnerability, proves to be one of Sandler’s most memorable characters, and that makes “You Don’t Mess With the Zohan” his most consistently funny film since the late ’90s.

This insane farce won’t win Sandler many new converts, but it will surely slay his legions of devotees — and you know exactly who you are.

Rated PG-13 (would have been an R just a few years ago) for relentlessly crude and silly sexual innuendo, equal-opportunity ethnic offensiveness and hummus abuse. Got a rant or rave about the movies? E-mail cvinch@atpco.com

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