Kevlar for the Mind: Be assertive, better your mental health - Off Duty, Military Health and Fitness - Navy Times

Kevlar for the Mind: Be assertive, better your mental health

The military places a high value on assertiveness. Assertive people tend to be judged more favorably in promotion boards, on evaluation reports, and during day-to-day interactions.

Lack of assertiveness is also linked to mental health problems. A growing body of research shows having a passive communication style contributes to anxiety in some people — specifically panic.

Here are eight steps to develop your assertiveness and protect your mental health.

Evaluate your style. Before you can change your communication style, it’s important to better understand how you interact with others. Do you get defensive or upset when a superior gives you constructive criticism? Do you always say “yes” even when you don’t agree? Do you put other people’s feelings and needs before yours? The more behaviors you identify that you want to change, the more successful you’ll be in your pursuit of assertiveness.

Maintain a confident demeanor. People respect confidence. It doesn’t matter if it’s feigned. Always present yourself as steady, assured, and strong. Make eye contact. Smile when you meet someone. Keep your uniform and grooming in top shape. Keep your back straight and your head up.

Use “I” statements. “I” statements convey that you own your ideas and behavior. “You” statements put people on the defense and make you seem hostile and petty. For example, say, “I don’t agree with the accusations being made,” not, “You are wrong for saying what you said about me.”

Share your opinion. It’s easy to become overwhelmed and frustrated when talking with opinionated people. Make sure you state your opinion, even if you aren’t 100 percent sure you’re correct. Opinions are just opinions, not facts.

Say what you want and need. If you want or need something, state what it is. Don’t assume the other person will eventually pick up on your unhappiness or disappointment.

Stay on message. Messages of passive communicators often get overlooked or all-out dismissed. If you have a point, state it repeatedly until it is heard and acknowledged. It’s easy for someone to ignore you, but harder to counter an opinion after hearing it in its entirety.

Keep your emotions under control. Overly emotional people rarely win conflicts. If you find yourself getting angry or feeling like crying, excuse yourself, gain your composure, and re-engage.

Show others empathy. People who exude empathy and caring are listened to more closely than people who seem cold and detached. Gaining someone’s attention is half the battle in getting your needs met.

Bret A. Moore is a clinical psychologist who served in Iraq. Email kevlarforthemind@militarytimes.com. Names and identifying details will be kept confidential. This column is for informational purposes only. Readers should see a mental health professional or physician for mental health problems.