Toilet humor is a time-honored tradition of military personnel around the globe, generationally passed down by exceptional orators, inscriptions on barracks walls as treasured as the Dead Sea Scrolls or via meticulously sketched art in far-flung porta-johns, the likes of which are rivaled only by Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel.

This past week, military annals of lavatory amusement received a noteworthy addition when a British Army captain, in a state of awe-inspiring intoxication following a formal ceremony, was stripped naked by his troops and locked in a barracks bathroom for six hours after committing the heinous crime of falling asleep.

What the captain’s subordinates didn’t expect, however, was that the prank victim, once roused from the dead, would reveal himself to be the second coming of Harry Houdini supplemented by a dash of Tasmanian Devil.

“When he woke up he started banging on the door, screaming at the blokes to let him out,” a source told the Daily Mail. “They replied they’d only let him out if he gave them a pay rise.”

Unwilling to budge on matters of pay, the explosive ordnance disposal officer who refused to dispose of his explosive temper began unleashing hell on the porcelain-filled confines, ripping the toilet and steel handrails from their foundation to bash his way to sweet deliverance, the report said.

“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”

If only Edmond Dantès could have made such quick work of the Château d’If.

“He went on the rampage, demolishing the toilet and repeatedly smashing the rail against one of the walls,” the source said. “He made a big enough dent that he could then hack away at the plaster and climb out. The blokes found it hilarious. He’s in trouble rather than them because he should never have got drunk in their rooms. Now he’s going to have to pay a hefty fine or pay for the damage.”

The officer is expected to avoid major trouble, the report said, and should remain at his post as long as he foots the bill for the F-5 tornado that decimated the bathroom.

Godspeed to the custodial staff tasked with cleaning up that monstrosity. Not even Private Joker and Private Cowboy, a dynamic duo who once rendered a head so sanitary and squared away that the Virgin Mary herself would have been proud to go in and take a dump, could cope with the seismic violence brought on by the maniacal captain.

“Hopefully, he’ll eventually see the funny side. At least it was an impressive display of initiative, how he used the tools at his disposal to complete a difficult task, while heavily intoxicated.”

Jon Simkins is a writer and editor for Military Times, and a USMC veteran.

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