Finally, an Army Mess Uniform fit for the couch

Weekend warriors everywhere, rejoice. No longer will you have to stand forlornly staring, clad only in your underwear, into the abyss of your closet, despairing at the lack of comfortable black tie options that say “I am a decorated veteran.”

Gearhomies presents the tracksuit U.S. Army Mess Uniform for around $104. It’s essentially the Army Blue Mess Uniform, but sweatpants, because nothing says fancy like a printed track suit.

Meant to mimic some of the Army’s most formal regalia, this sweatsuit is extremely detailed, from the double-breasted jacket with gold buttons and rope sleeves down to the royal blue slacks with gold stripes.

It’s the perfect get-up for your Saturday run to Home Depot. Onlookers won’t be able to resist thanking you for your service, especially when they see your chest candy. Those 3-D printed medals simply scream valor.

One even looks like it might be an artistic take on a Medal of Honor — the military’s highest and rarest service award. And is that an Airborne crest too? You bet.

The outfit’s only real crime, I think, is that the sweatsuit is presented for purchase with hands squarely located in the kangaroo-pouch pocket.

Everyone who’s anyone knows that Army Regulation 670-1 clearly states, “While in uniform, personnel will not place their hands in their pockets, except momentarily to place or retrieve objects.”

And you, a distinguished gentleman, scholar, and sweatsuit soldier, would never be caught with your hands in your pockets.

More In Military Culture

23 things veterans may carry for life

Tinnitus, knee pain, an old pair of combat boots.

Propaganda out of Ukraine conflict is not much different from World War I

Propaganda may be dispersed differently, but much of the messaging remains unchanged.

Why Marines love short shorts

Silkies have been banned since 2011, but that hasn't stopped Marines from wearing them.

Graphic novel brings to life the story of a Korean War hero

This is one of a dozen in the series of graphic novels about veterans presented with the Medal of Honor.

Emperor Palpatine issues new National Defense Strategy

Ten thousand years of peace begins today.

In Other News

Prosecutors: enlisted leader sexually harassed, engaged in ‘sexual activity’ with junior sailors

Th enlisted leader of Information Warfare Training Command Monterey is facing court-martial.

Navy effort to cancel LCS mission package triggers new cost breach

A decision to cancel the technically challenged ASW mission package raised the per-unit cost overall for the mission modules program, resulting in a Nunn-McCurdy breach the Navy reported to Congress May 13.

The Navy doesn’t want nukes on ships, despite interest from some combatant commanders

The Navy says forcing surface ships or attack submarines to haul around nuclear-tipped missiles would be feasible, but would be a burden in a time with many more pressing missions and no extra money to spare on lesser priorities.

Pentagon chief talks to Russian counterpart for first time since Ukraine war began

This is the first conversation between the two defense chiefs since Feb. 18, a week before the war started.

Russia takes losses in failed river crossing, officials say

Russia lost significant numbers of troops and important equipment when Ukrainian forces thwarted their attempt to cross a river in the east, British officials said.

Turkey’s leader opposes letting Finland, Sweden join NATO

The Turkish leader explained his opposition by alleging that Sweden and other Scandinavian countries support Kurdish militants and others whom Turkey considers to be terrorists. He also accused Greece of using the alliance against Turkey.

Army launches investigation into Balfour Beatty housing at Fort Gordon

The Army is also looking at what enforcement actions they can take against privatized housing companies.

The changing face of the VFW

The older generation is still in attendance, but the new face of the VFW looks like you.

Navy hush-hush after secret boat’s unexplained sinking

Navy officials confirmed the "Class A" mishap last week.

Javelin missile: Made by the US, wielded by Ukraine, feared by Russia

The American-made FGM-148 Javelin has been making mincemeat of T-72s and T-90s in Ukraine, according to reports.

Load More