This Russian captain used to beat his soldiers with dildos

“The beatings will continue until morale improves.”

The saying often attributed to Captain William Bligh during the mutiny on the Royal Navy vessel HMS Bounty was taken to heart — perhaps a bit too much and too erotically — by one Russian military commander who would routinely abuse his subordinates who fell even fractionally short of being impeccably squared away.

“By now, physical abuse is such an accepted part of Russian military life that many officers routinely use force themselves to discipline their soldiers; only the exceptional cases come to public notice," read an excerpt from “Russian Military Reform, 1992-2002.”

"For example, in October 2002 a Captain Ilyasov was court-martialled in Yekaterinburg. He would regularly wake his soldiers up during the night for a snap inspection and if he found anything amiss would beat the culprits with a rubber dildo.”

What?

Additional digging into the matter provided a shocking revelation that the captain in question was even documented in a Dr. Seuss-ian story. Only a portion of the poem’s text about the abuse was recovered. It reads as follows:

— When choosing his disciplinary methods, however,

The captain’s punitive wheels would turn devilishly clever.

“Extra PT, more inspections, restriction? No way.

These men are getting beat with dildos today."

Ushanka in hand he’d open his table drawer.

“If only the offender knew what was in store.”

There were blue ones, red ones, purple and green,

Doo-dads and zid-zads, everything in between.

He’d make his selection, “Da” he would say.

Then lock up the drawer of his dildonic buffet.

At odd hours he’d patrol to see what was amiss.

“Comrade!” he’d scream. “What the hell is this?”

Sweeping his finger across the bed frame,

“This is dust,” he would laugh. “Oh what a shame.”

Dazed and confused, the soldier would stand

But in a flash on his face a dildo would land.

“Captain please!” he would say. “You’re being obtuse!

"I do not deserve this dildonic abuse.

"I do not deserve it at night or in morning.

“I do not deserve this marital aid scorning!"

But the captain would hear no more begs or pleas

And collapsed the soldier with a dildonic strike to his knees.

He struck from the left, he struck from the right,

He struck upwards, downwards, “These violent delights!”

Satisfied to the brim with the abuse he’d dispatched,

He’d toast with his vodka — down, down, down the hatch.

Drunk, he would sing, “What a wonderful inspection!"

As he put away the shiny red dildo from his dildo collection.

Little did he know — he believed himself impartial —

That soon he’d be called into a bitter court-martial.

“Dude, what the hell?” his defense said in Yekaterinburg court.

“Dildos? Seriously? You’ve lost our support.”

To the Siberian wild the captain was banished.

Save his dildo collection, all his possessions had vanished.

“Did he survive?” some ask. “No one knows,” others say.

“What ever became of his dildo cache?”

The beaten down soldiers, they all would move on.

At long last they were safe, for their captain was gone.

But if you listen intently on the quietest nights,

You may still hear him screaming, “These violent delights!”

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